The doctor is in

As the new year begins, I realize I’m not really in the best mindset to start it. Maybe, though, it is for the best. A too joyous mood leaves little room (or willingness) to look back on what happened during the last 12 months, achievements and failures alike, at least in my case. So here I am, finally doing what I’ve said I’d do multiple times, but never really did for real: making an assessment of the year - and decade - that just ended, and trying to set new goals for myself. Whether doing this in a language that is not my mother tongue is a good or bad idea, only time will tell probably. English gifts me with a particular kind of distance from the content of my writing that is likely to make it more objective, but also prevents me from taking the full blunt of this poorly-veiled self-analysis attempt. We shall see, I guess. Doing a little is still better than doing nothing, and it’s about time that I stopped trying to make everything I do perfect. It’s also about time that I stopped being afraid of making mistakes.

Of course, this issue won’t be resolved with a random post that I’ll feed to the void that is the internet, but you gotta start from somewhere.

2019 has been a full year. Full of events and accomplishments and fulfillment as well as with losses and change. It’s the year in which all the suffering and hardships I went through in the past one(s) finally came through and culminated in my graduation. That was back in March, and the months leading up to it have perhaps been some of the toughest I had to get through - or so I thought, at least. Life has a way to keep throwing harsher and harsher challenges your way. The bone deep tiredness of working toward a goal in too little time with too many things to do has been replaced by the terrifying emptiness of not knowing where you want to go from there, or what you want to do. 

But, one thing at a time.

2019 has also been the year where I faced some hard truth that I had been avoiding for the past year and a half for fear of cracking under the pressure. It’s been hard, and painful - it still is sometimes, when something random rubs into old wounds - but I’m also pretty proud of myself for doing that. For stopping to pretend everything was fine and problems were only in my head, for trusting that what I felt was valid even with the weight of my past trauma and mental illness, and for demanding better for myself. I shouldn’t have to “settle”. I shouldn’t feel like collecting scraps all my life is the best I can have, emotionally speaking. I’m still working over believing I’m deserving of something better, but I like to think that I’m slowly getting there.

2019 saw me graduating and facing some of my fears. It also saw me getting officially registered as a doctor, throwing myself in some new experiences and generally a little bit more out there, even if still with a foot on a safe line. It saw me making - and meeting - new wonderful friends that I hope I will have in my life for many more years, all the while keeping my old, treasured ones. 

2019 gifted me with the rediscovery of fandom, and the joy that comes with it. As much as I like - or dislike - to bitch about trivial fandom issues, I had almost forgotten how good it feels to be part of a lively, enthusiast community whose sole focus is to create for the sheer enjoyment of it. Slowly getting back my creativity, discovering that I’m still able to weave stories that elicit emotions, and that I’m able to do that in a language that is not my own has been a wonderful gift that this year gave me. This fandom adventure in danmei hell has been incredibly fun overall, and I’d like to thank all the people who are sharing it with me.

That being said, this last third of 2019 has not been easy. The feeling of wandering aimlessly, of not knowing what I want to do in life - of not knowing if what I’ve studied and fought for in the last 9 years of my life is really, truly, what I want my life career to be, is perhaps one of the most terrifying sensations I’ve ever experienced. Being faced with a job for the first time, and with a job that puts you in a position where you are responsible for people’s lives even more, in the middle of all this, has not been easy. It was perhaps predictable that I’d end up falling into a bad depressive episode again. October and November have been more than rough - I had a job but no pay, and I didn’t even have a house. I cried on most days. I felt lost, and hopeless. 

Still - still, I pushed through. I am pushing through. Despite the weighing loneliness and emptiness, despite the financial problems, despite my mother’s health problems, despite all those little, enormous things that are forcing me to face time and time again my fears, and weaknesses, and unresolved issues. Because let me tell you, working in retirement homes is not really ideal when you still have unresolved issues with the whole concept of aging and mortality. It teaches you a lot, though - about yourself, and humanity, and kindness, and how much a single word or gesture can weigh. About how fragile, terrible and awfully incredible the human condition can be. 

There have been days in which the grateful smile of an old lady, and the feeling of her dry, weak hands in mine has been all that I needed to reach the end of the day with a lighter heart. I like to think I could repay that kindness at least a little, despite my many faults and my inexperience. 

I still cry, but not as much as before. I still feel lost, but it’s not paralyzing. 

Of course, while fighting the demons in my mind is a lonely endeavor, I haven’t been alone at all in practice. I’ve received so much support throughout all of this, much more than what I ever expected. There isn’t one day I’m not grateful of this, so much so that I never know how to convey how much I appreciate the people in my life. I feel their warmth, and if I was able to push through everything, it’s also thanks to them. 

So. So, 2019. A full year, a complex year. Not a bad year, overall. Divesting myself for a minute of the weight of my mental health and practical problems, it’s been a year of growth, and of enormous change. Change is always difficult for me - I am a person who needs some stability to thrive, and this year has been anything but that. So many of my foundations have crumbled, or are simply not there anymore. I don’t feel comfortable. Perhaps, in some ways, this is for the best. As much as I’d like someone to point me in one direction and tell me “you have to do that”, “just follow that line that has been traced”, “you don’t have to choose” in this moment, I also know that I’d never be satisfied with that down the line.

If there’s one thing I’ve never liked, it’s to have my life being decided for me.

The irony of me being so lost for what concerns my whole career as 2020 begins is not lost on me. This entire last decade has been dominated by my university life. I enrolled in the medicine course in 2010, and university has a way to make you lose focus of everything else - even of what awaits you once you, inevitably, finish it. 

There isn’t really an ending or a goal to these musings. I can only hope that 2020 will bring with it some more clarity of mind. 

I like the idea of a new start. It’s the year of the mouse according to Chinese zodiac, and the beginning of a new cycle. May it really be like that, for me and for everybody who feel sorely in need of that.  

2020 - a new year, a new decade. It might be worth it to finally settle some goals, then. 

1. Take better care of myself

I’m putting this down as the first one. I have a tendency to neglect myself when in the middle of depressive episodes or even when I’m simply feeling down. I stress-eat a lot, and spend days curled up in bed being a lazy lump when I’m not working. While this can be good in certain occasions, it is not healthy, and leaves me feeling worse in the long run. So yeah, my first purpose for 2020 is to, essentially speaking, love myself a little bit more. Eat a bit better (vegetables won’t hurt me and I should really learn to drink a suitable amount of water sooner or later), go back to the gym even if it’s only once a week (since it’s impossible for me to go back to practice aikido at the moment), take a little time for myself to do a face mask or shave or whatever. Maybe keep a diary to give order to my thoughts. Anything goes.

2. Figure out something about my life

I’m keeping this as vague as I can. I don’t know if I’ll be able to understand what I want to do in life in this coming year, but I need to at least figure out something. What I like. What I want. What I don’t want. Where I wanna be. It doesn’t matter what as long as it’s something. 

3. Get a good result at the specialization exam

Pretty self explanatory (at least for people familiar with the Italian system). I still don’t know where I want to go or what I wanna do, but studying for it won’t definitely hurt.

4. Keep the creative energy flowing

If there is one thing 2019 has gifted me with, it’s creativity. I’ve published 72k words and I have many more still unpublished. I don’t care about the exact amount of words I’ll manage to write in 2020, as long as doing that will keep being fun and fulfilling. What I really want to do, though, is to get better at drawing. I’m so happy about my new graphic tablet, I really want to learn how to use it better. Practice, practice, practice. 

5. Appreciate and cultivate the relationships in my life

Also pretty self explanatory. I really wanna give back as much as I receive from the important people in my life. 

6. Travel more

Especially now that I have some money of my own, I wanna settle for at least two different trips to two different places, it doesn’t matter how long.

7. Study German

It’s something I’ve wanted to do for ages, and I’ve finally started this year only to inevitably fall behind because of life. I still haven’t abandoned the idea of transferring abroad and working there. I don’t know if or when it will happen, but I love learning languages, so this is an extremely good goal regardless. Let’s say I’d like to reach at least an A1 level in one year.

And that’s it. If you’ve read everything, thank you for listening to my rant - it was mostly a one sided conversation with myself, but one that I (obviously) don’t mind sharing. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else too. 

That being said, 2020, here I come. I might have met you with my energy levels below zero and a bad mood, but fuck if I’ll let a single day dictate how the following 365 will be. I’m here. I might not be ready for everything, but I’ll sure keep pushing through anyway.

As a more eloquent person has written before me,

there is still some good in this world mister Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.